Marginally.

But I couldn't leave things alone.  I contacted Act-Up, PFLAG, and samesexmarriage.org for their reactions and counter-arguments.

Then I went after Toby.

"Yes?" Toby asked, still scribbling away on his legal pad.

"I want you to back me up on something," I say, stepping into his office and closing the door.

"Does this involve wildlife?"  He has yet to look up from his writing.

"What?"

"The thing," he says with a distracted wave of his non-scribbling hand.

"Toby, you're going to have to be more specific."

With a put-upon sigh, Toby folds his hands atop the legal pad and gives me his full attention.  "Are you referring to Congressman Hayden's hunting blunder?"

"Oh," I say.  "When he shot the spotted owl?  No."

"Okay."  Toby is using that impatient tone that makes me want to smack him.

"The 'Defense of Marriage' Act," I explain.  "I want to talk to the president."

Toby stares up at me for a moment with a small, disbelieving smile.  "Hasn't that matter been dispensed with?"

"Josh told the president to sit on it if that's what you're asking."

"So the decision's been made," Toby points out.

"The 107th isn't sworn in until January, Toby.  If they want to override the veto they can do it then."

"There is no veto," Toby says quietly.  "There's not going to be a veto."

"Why not?" I demand, advancing on him.  "Why aren't we fighting for this?"

"CJ--"

"No, I'm serious, Toby.  We -- what was it? -- tossed our hats over the wall on campaign finance reform, then..." I shrug.  "Nothing."

"Not nothing," Toby answers, his tone tense.  "Then we got shot at and I spent three months working on hate groups."

"This is a hate group, Toby."

He laughs at me.  "The Christian right is a hate group?"

"In this specific case, yes."

Toby sighs.  "CJ, we can't accuse the Christian right of being a hate group."

"I'm not suggesting that we do," I answer sharply. " I'm suggesting that we ask the president to reconsider an action -- or inaction -- that he was against to begin with."

Toby is already shaking his head.  "CJ, this Congress can override with votes to spare."

"So what?"

"So this argument is a waste of time."

"What is wrong with everybody?"  I am utterly exasperated.  I march over to the door, yank it open, and yell, "Sam, get in here."

Sam materializes before Toby can finish his protest.

"You called?" Sam asks.

"Do you think the president should have vetoed the 'Defense of Marriage' Act?"

"Absolutely," Sam nods.

Toby throws up his hands.  "Fine.  Take him to Leo."

I turn back to him.  "I want you both."

Sam snickers behind me.

"Shut up, Sam," I say, not taking my eyes off of Toby.  "I know you agree with me on this.  What I can't figure out is why you and Josh are willing to lay down--"

Toby stands and tosses the notepad on his desk.  "I am not laying down, CJ.  I'm wondering why we should bother the president with a symbolic veto that will mobilize the Christian right."

I hold his gaze.  "Because it's the right thing to do."

Toby and I engage in a bit of a staring contest while Sam watches uncomfortably.

"Guys," Sam says.  "Why don't I--"

"Shut up, Sam," Toby and I say together.

Finally, Toby nods.  "Okay, CJ, but Leo's not going to like this."

***

Toby and Sam are easily convinced to wait until Senior Staff to bring this up to Leo.  I don't want Josh to feel like we're going behind his back on this, so I want him present and involved in the argument.

And it is an argument.

I let Leo finish his daily Q&A, then say, "I have something I'd like to discuss."

"Okay," Leo nods.

I glance at Josh, then say, "I want to talk to the president about the 'Defense of Marriage' Act."

Josh glares at me and Leo rolls his eyes.  "CJ--"

"She's right," Toby interrupts quietly.

Leo turns to Toby.  "You too?"

"And me," Sam chimes in."

"What is this?" Josh demands, still shooting angry looks my way.  "Leo, this is ridiculous.  I talked to Skinner--"

Leo holds up a hand.  "Two minutes from CJ, and two from Josh."  He turns his attention to me.  "Go."

It takes me a second to organize my thoughts.  "We're running away from ourselves.  We're backing down so we don't piss people off.  Why?"

Leo shrugs at me.

Josh slumps into his seat, arms crossed, and glares at me.

"This bill is wrong," I continue.  "It's contrary to everything we believe, but we're going to stick it in a drawer for political expediency.  Or at least we tell ourselves that's why, because we're afraid to admit that we're running scared."

"Not this again," Josh comments bitterly.

"Josh," Leo warns.

I turn my attention to Josh.  "We're all still scared.  I have nightmares, Josh, but I can't let them win.  I can't back down and take the easy road because a tiny segment of the population disagrees with me."

"Violently disagrees." Josh is standing, suddenly, and looming over me.  "A tiny segment of the population who happen to possess a pretty large supply of guns, CJ."  He is yelling.

I gape up at him.

"Josh," Leo says, his tone incredulous.

"No," Josh turns on Leo.  "I'm not going to sit here and be lectured on liberalism and how I should be feeling after being shot.  It's ridiculous."  He casts a glance around the room and continues, his tone accusatory.  "None of you were shot."

The anger in Josh's voice echoes in the sudden silence.

"So don't tell me about how I'm feeling, CJ," Josh continues.  "You don't know a damn thing about being shot.  None of you do."

Toby stands slowly.  "Josh--"

"Save it, Toby," Josh says, backing towards the door.  "I don't want to hear it."  He turns to Leo.  "Do whatever the hell you want with the bill; it doesn't matter.  Just don't blame it on the shooting."

With that, Josh storms out of the office.

Leo, Toby, Sam, and I sit there in shock for a long moment.

Finally, Sam gestures towards the door.  "I should--"

"Let him go," Leo orders.  "He won't hear you right now."

"Leo, he's upset," Sam protests.

"He feels ambushed," I say quietly.  "This is my fault."

"CJ," Toby answers.  "It's the fault of three kids with narrow minds, violent impulses, and access to guns."

"Still," I say.  "I shouldn't have pushed him."

"This isn't solving anything," Leo interrupts my self-castigation.  "I'll talk to the president about the 'Defense of Marriage' Act."

"What about Josh?" Sam asks.

Leo looks older than his years, suddenly, the lines on his face heavy with concern.  "I don't know," he admits.  "I didn't realize--"  He stops suddenly and waves us towards the door.  "I'll take care of it."

"Leo," I protest.

"I said I'll take care of it," Leo answers sharply.

I am at a loss.  Toby, Sam, and I exchange helpless looks, then head for the door.

"CJ," Sam says quietly as we clear the threshold.  "I'm going to try to find Josh."

"Okay," I nod.  "Make sure he knows I wasn't trying--"

"I will," Sam nods grimly and heads for Josh's office.

Toby guides me through the Communications bullpen and into his office.  "It's not your fault, CJ."

"Why didn't we notice, Toby?  He's been so..."  I shrug, unable to find the right word.

"He's been Josh," Toby counters.  "Moody and argumentative and hostile."

"Not hostile."  I shake my head.  "More than that.  Cruel, even."

Toby gives me a confused look.

"He said some things to some people," I explain.  "But I just assumed he was fine."

"He is fine," Toby answers.  "He's still recovering."

I stare at Toby for a long moment.  "That's the problem," I say at last.  "I don't think he is recovering."

THE END

12.10.00