We've gathered together in a conference room -- me, Leo, CJ, Toby and Sam.  Charlie's talking to the doctors from ATVA right now.  Technically, I suppose Zoey and President Bartlet should talk to them too, but you have to draw the line somewhere.  Politically speaking.

I have to wonder why I'm here at all.  We've compared notes, and most everyone is being asked about the shooting.  I wasn't there, so I'm not sure what I'm going to be asked.  But I'm the one who talked to Leo and put this thing in motion, so I guess they had to include me.

Leo keeps telling us we're not supposed to compare notes.  It's not a matter of getting our stories straight; it's a matter of helping Josh.

Okay, I'm paranoid.  I keep wondering if anyone has mentioned my relationship with Josh and just how they've described it.  I'll call CJ tonight and ask.

This reminds me too much of the hospital -- all of us sitting around quietly, waiting for news about Josh and being unable to do anything to protect him.

I wonder what he's doing today.  It's rare for him not to come in to the White House for at least part of the day on Saturday, but he's not here today.  I know there's nothing on his schedule; but as far as I know, he wasn't told to stay away.  I wonder if Leo called and told him not to come in.  What is he doing with himself if he's not here?  Is he okay?  Has anyone called to check on him?  I should have called to check on him.  What was I thinking?  That's my job.  But I was coming in this morning, and I just assumed he'd be here.

I stand up and declare that I'm going to the office to call Josh.

"Sit down, Donna," Leo says.

I sit. "Someone should call him," I say.  "Someone should make sure he's all right."

"After we've all talked to these people," Leo says.

"But--"

CJ takes my hand.  "He'll be okay," she tells me.

I am unconvinced, but there's nothing I can do in light of a direct order from Leo.

I'm summoned into the room last, after Charlie.  The doctor introduces himself and his assistant.  Hey, let's ask them about their relationship, sort of as a counterattack.  Wouldn't Josh be proud of me for thinking of that?  The doctor tells me to call him Stanley, and then the questions start.

"You're Josh Lyman's personal assistant, aren't you?  Just what does the personal assistant to the White House deputy chief of staff do?"

"Whatever Josh needs me to do on a given day."

"CouId you be more specific?"

"I manage the rest of his staff.  I keep track of his schedule, which god knows he can't do.  I do research and writing.  I answer his phone.  I don't bring him coffee."

Stanley looks confused at that last one.

"Sorry," I mumble.  "Private joke."

"I'm guessing that you control who has access to the deputy chief of staff," Stanley says.

"That's part of my job, yes.  To protect Josh.  To keep him from wasting his time on trivial matters, I mean."

"You've been Josh's assistant for some time now, I understand."

"Since the campaign."

"What kind of boss is he?"

"He's a good boss.  Most of the time."

"Are the two of you close?"

Oops.  We're approaching dangerous territory here.  "We get along," I say.  Strangely enough, this seems to satisfy Stanley.  Call me paranoid, but that was too easy.

"Leo McGarry tells me you're the one who first noticed that Josh was having problems.  What kinds of things did you notice?"

Right.  I can do this.  I've been through this with CJ and with Leo, after all.

"He's been shutting himself off from the people who care about him.  He's said some cruel things.  He told me he feels numb, like the things and people he used to love don't matter anymore.  I think he may have considered--"  Oh god, I still can't say this . "He's said it might have been better if he'd died the night of the shooting."

Can I go now?

"You're not comfortable being here, are you, Donna?"

"I'll do whatever I have to do to help Joshua."

"Joshua?  I haven't heard anyone else call him that."

Shit.  "I--it's this thing we do.  See, my name is actually Donnatella, and Josh likes to annoy me by using it.  And he hates being called Joshua, so it's how I get back at him."

"But he's not here now, and you still referred to him as Joshua."

I shrug.  "Force of habit."

"Tell me about Joshua."

"I just did."

"You told me about his symptoms.  How would you describe him?"

"Passionate."

Oh, shit.  Note to self:  Do not say the first word that pops into your brain.  Stanley and his assistant exchange glances, and I know just what they're thinking.

"What I mean is," I say, desperately trying to cover my tracks, "Josh cares about things deeply.  More deeply than most people.  The hostility and the wit, that's mostly a cover.  He doesn't like people to see that other side of him."

"Which you see."

"I spend more time with Josh than most people do.  Shouldn't we be talking about his symptoms?  Because I have stories.  Stuff CJ and Sam don't know."

"We'll get to it.  I want you to understand that what you say here doesn't go beyond this room.  I'm not going to talk to the press.  I'm not going to tell Leo.  I'm not even going to tell Josh.  This is just between us.  Now tell me about your relationship with Josh."

"He's a good boss.  Most of the time."

"I need more than that."

"There isn't more than that.  I'm just his assistant."

"From what I've heard, you didn't leave the hospital during fourteen hours of surgery, you spent most of your time with him during his convalescence, you were the first one to notice subtle changes in his behavior."

"It wasn't subtle."

"Excuse me?"

"It wasn't -- he said something horrible to me out of the blue one night.  It wasn't subtle."

"What did he say?"

"I had a date, and Josh suddenly decided he wanted me to cancel and stay at the office while he took a meeting."

"What did Josh say that was so horrible?"

"'If you're going to have sex, you'd better do it during dinner.'"

"Anything else?"

"Nothing I care to repeat.  Just something mean-spirited.  Can we leave it at that?"

"It could be important."

"It's really not.  I mean, yes, it's important that he said something like that.  It's out of character.  We do this thing -- we tease each other a lot -- but we're not - -we don't say hurtful things.  And he said this knowing it would hurt me.  But the words themselves aren't important."

"Do you want to help Josh?"

"Well, of course I do.  I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Then you need to tell me."

I'm not getting out of this one.  I sigh and launch into it.  "He criticized my taste in men.  He said I had a need to be coupled.  He said I had no sense of self-worth.  Which is completely untrue, and I nearly quit right there."

"Do you think that's why he said it?  To push you away?"

"Well, of course that's why he said it.  Because he knows I won't put up with that."

"And yet you're still here."

"He needs me.  I'm going to wait till he gets better, and then I'm going to kick his ass."

Stanley looks down at his notes.  "You weren't there the night of the shooting."

"No."

"Josh routinely expects you to work late, you go on any number of trips with him, but you weren't at the Newseum.  Why was that?"

"I was hiding."

"What?"

"I knew he was going to make me go.  There'd been a thing earlier that day.  About his chair.  It's silly, but he blamed me because he fell and he wanted to get even, so I knew he was going to make me go.  So I hid in the ladies' room until the buses all left, and I went home."

"How did you hear about the shooting?"

"The same way the rest of the country did.  I was watching TV, and the news came on."

"Did you know right away that Josh had been shot?"

Oh, I get where this is going.  We're going to figure out whether I'm projecting about Josh's symptoms because I feel guilty about not being there when he was shot.

"No, I didn't know until I got there.  Toby told me.  And, yes, I have wondered whether I could have protected Josh if I'd been there.  Can we get back to Josh's symptoms now?"

"Okay.  When did you first notice that Josh was in trouble?"

"That night I mentioned.  When I had the date.  Well, the next day actually.  Josh got into a fight with CJ about the Defense of Marriage Act, and then I came in and he turned on me too because I said I agreed with CJ.  And he said some more things to me, which was when I realized that what he'd said the night before wasn't just because -- it wasn't a fluke.  I realized he was trying to push me away."

"You specifically?"

"He's tried to push all of us away."

"I would imagine that makes it hard for you to do your job."

"It makes it -- different.  Josh and I usually -- lately, things have been different."

"You want to protect him from what he's going through, don't you?"

"Well, of course I do.  All of us do, or we wouldn't be here today."

"But you especially.  Because protecting Josh is part of your job."

"Yes, it is.  And I've tried, but I don't know how to protect him from this.  I mean, there should be something I can do to keep him safe from this thing, but I can't figure out what it is.  He's in pain, and he'd rather die than have this ruin his career.  That's the thing you absolutely have to understand about Josh.  This--"  I gesture to include the conference room and, by extension, the whole White House.  "This is who he is.  If he doesn't have politics, he can't survive.  And you can't have a nervous breakdown if you work in the White House."  I'm trying to get something across here to Stanley, and I'm not sure he gets it.  "You have to know this before you talk to Joshua, okay?"

"All I can do is help Josh understand what the problem is," Stanley replies.  "I can't make his decisions for him.  I certainly can't control the political ramifications.  You can't either."

"That's all well and good for you to say, but I have to protect him.  It's what I do.  It's like -- Did you read any of the stuff that was written about Josh after the shooting?"

"I saw some of it, sure."

"One of the articles -- I think it was the one in Newsweek -- described Josh as President Bartlet's attack dog.  Josh liked that one a lot.  That's the way he likes people to see him.  Well, that's the thing.  I'm Josh Lyman's attack dog.  It's what I do."

"So you're in a difficult position," Stanley says.  "On the one hand, it's your job to protect Josh from just this sort of situation.  But on the other hand, you realize that he needs some sort of help."

"Well, yes.  I mean, I don't want him hurt any more."

"And you honestly think he can get better without facing his pain?"

"Of course not.  It's just that I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm supposed to get him through all this."

"You're not.  It's not your job to get Josh through any of this.  He has to work through it himself.  And it's not something you can protect him from."

"You're saying I'm completely powerless here?"

"I wouldn't say powerless.  From what I'm hearing, you have quite a bit of influence with Josh."

"Have you considered having your hearing examined?"

"What I'm trying to tell you is that you may not be able to protect him from this, but there are other things you can do.  Mostly, you can just listen if he needs to talk about this."

"I've tried that.  It didn't help."

"Is Josh still alive?"

"Yes."

"Then how do you know it didn't help?"

Okay, let's not go there.  "So what else can I do?" I ask.

"Treat him like you normally would, not like he's in the middle of some kind of nervous breakdown."

Right, because I've seen how well Josh is responding to the usual banter.  I have to say I have my doubts about this one, but what the hell?  This is the guy ATVA called in when the White House asked for help.  He's got to be good, right?

Stanley basically sends me on my way after that, and I head back to the bullpen in search of CJ.  I feel the need to compare notes.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find Josh waiting for me.

He's still looking frayed around the edges, but I think there's some improvement from the night of the concert.

If he can look worse than he did the night of the concert, I honestly don't want to know about it.

He calls me into his office and shuts the door.  It occurs to me that this is the first time we've been alone since right after he cut his hand.

"So what happened?" he asks.  "Did you talk to the guy too?"

"I talked to him."

"Get anything on him?"

"No, I didn't get anything on him."  What is this -- a fact-finding mission?

"Come on, Donna.  What did he say?"

"He said that you should give me a raise."

"Donna."

"Honestly.  He said it would do wonders for your peace of mind."

"CJ said--"

"You talked to CJ about this?"

"I'm on a fact-finding mission."

Do I know him or what?

"Mostly, he asked me how you'd been acting lately.  I, of course, told him you'd been a complete bastard, which wasn't all that unusual."

"You didn't tell him about my hand?"

"No, Josh."

"Or the stuff I said about--"

"Of course not.  That was personal."

"Or the night you and I--"

"I'm taking that one to my grave."

"So what did you say?"

"Same thing I've been telling you.  I worry about you.  And I want you to get over this thing because you're turning into a real pain in the ass.  Even moreso than usual."

"What did he say?"

"Well, besides agreeing that I need a raise, he didn't say much at all.  He just asked questions."

"Which you answered."  He gives me this look like he thinks I betrayed him.

"They were pretty straightforward questions, Josh.  And I couldn't refuse to answer them without, you know, making everyone think I was hiding stuff."

"Okay," he says and retreats behind his desk.  He's doing that a lot lately -- putting that desk between himself and me.

"You want me to come in tomorrow?" I ask.  Because this is what Stanley said to do; this is normal.  I come in on weekends if Josh has a meeting.  This is our standard procedure.

"No," he answers.  Then he pauses a second, as though he's thinking it over.  "Yes," he says.  "You don't have to stay.  Just be here when -- just be here in the morning."

"Okay," I say.  I'm smiling.  Josh is seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow; his career is in jeopardy, and I'm grinning like an idiot because he wants to see me first.

But that's normal.  And maybe Stanley's right.  Maybe normal is what Josh needs.

I can do normal.

THE END

01.02.01