Janet Price lost her husband.  She went through hours of agony, not knowing what had happened to the man she loved, and now she has to face the truth with strangers looking on.

This is her private grief.  It's Janet Price's tragedy, not mine.  I have no right to be watching.  I have no right to be standing here, trying to imagine what she's going through.

She can't have been prepared for this news.  Because even knowing that this could happen, even understanding intellectually that this could happen, that doesn't prepare you.  Because you love him and you think he's immune.  You think there is no force on earth that could extinguish all that fire and ego.  You keep telling yourself that this kind of thing happens to other people, not to him.  You tell yourself that all you have to do is get through tonight; tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

What the hell will Janet Price do in the weeks and months that follow this, when "normal" doesn't have the same meaning anymore?  She has a baby; she has a toddler.  How the hell will she manage?

She's not thinking about that right now, of course.  Right now she's in shock.  She can't work her mind around the fact that the man she loves is gone.  That she'll never see him, never talk to him, never hold him again.

I have no right to compare Janet Price's tragedy to how I felt the night Josh was shot.  The two situations are completely different.  She had planned to build a life with Billy.  She has children; she has financial responsibilities.

All I had was an annoying voice in the back of my head suggesting that no one gets this distraught over losing a boss.  Or even a friend.

Two very different situations, and I have no right to compare them.  How can I begin to comprehend what Janet Price has lost?

How will she survive?  And why am I walking into Josh's office?

He's sitting at his desk, his chair swiveled around so that he's facing the window.  He has, figuratively and literally, turned his back on Janet Price and her loss.  Has he become more heartless these last few weeks, or is he too embarrassed by the empathy he's feeling?

Why don't I know?  When did I lose the ability to read him?

Before I know what's happening, all these words are pouring out of me.

"You almost died," I hear myself say.  "They opened up your chest and I saw it, and I thought I was going to die right there with you.  I wanted to die right there with you.  But you're so strong, Josh.  You're just too damn stubborn to let anyone else win, so you didn't die.  I'm so glad you didn't let them kill you.  I'm just so glad of that."

I'm out the door before he can say a word. 

*** 

That was stupid.  On the list of Truly Stupid Things Donna Has Done This Year, it ranks -- Well, it has a relatively low ranking, since it has to compete with committing perjury.  But considering that I keep lecturing myself about how I need to break free of this thing with Josh, rushing into his office and practically breaking into tears was not a wise move.

I couldn't face Josh after that.  Avoiding him wasn't much of a problem, since he pretty much barricaded himself in his office and didn't speak to me.  Then I forgot to send him home with his Congressional face book.  He'll have to live through another day of mixing up Cooper and Hooper.

There are worse problems to have.

Take Janet Price, for instance.  Once the shock has worn off, she'll have so many things to attend to.  How do you tell your three-year-old son that his father's never coming home?

What about Billy's body?  Will someone else pay for bringing the body home?  Josh mentioned the embassy, but do they pay for the transportation?  Will the newspaper he worked for take care of it?  Or will somebody hand Janet Price a bill she can't afford to pay?

How will she afford to pay off the mortgage on their house?  Buy school supplies, clothes, put food on the table?  Newspaper reporters aren't rich, not even the top ones.  Katie and Danny joke about it, but it's true.  With her husband, Janet Price could probably afford to be a stay-at-home mom, but she isn't wealthy.  Did Billy have enough insurance to take care of Janet and the children?  The baby's less than a year old.  What if Billy hadn't gotten around to updating the policy, and the benefits aren't as much as Janet will need?

Besides, you can't trust insurance companies.  Look at all the trouble Josh had with his medical insurance after Rosslyn.  Suppose Billy's insurance company tries something like that.  Suppose they make some excuse about how he knowingly put himself in danger and they don't have to honor the policy.  If they do that, how can Janet fight them?  Does she have the money for lawyers and a time-consuming lawsuit?

How will she find a decent job -- a job that pays enough so she can pay the mortgage and afford day care?  What are her qualifications?  Where did she work before she married Billy?  Does she have a college degree?

You can't expect to make a decent living without a bachelor's degree.  Maybe a masters, depending on your field.

If you're offered a high-paying job and you don't have a college degree, that's a fluke.  That's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.  You can't let that go, no matter what.

Janet Price, once she's able to think about something other than her loss, would thank her lucky stars if she got a job offer like that.

The world is a scary place for a woman alone.  A woman without a formal education has to seize any opportunity that presents itself, doesn't she?

It's one thing to be a member of the senior staff and joke about how much more money you could be making in the private sector.  It's one thing to talk about duty and service when you have a lifetime of book contracts, TV appearances and lecture tours waiting when you leave the White House.

It's another thing entirely to be Janet Price and have to worry about putting food on the table.

Even if CapitolScoop.com only lasts six months, that's more money than I'd see in two years here.  That's a nice nest egg.  That's college paid for right there.

When am I going to get this kind of offer again?

The job market isn't likely to welcome a college dropout in January, not even one with four years experience in the White House.  And college costs money.

I have to think about my own future.  I'm certain that's what Janet Price would tell me.

For all the good we supposedly do here, it seems as though there are twice as many days when we accomplish nothing at all.  Or even worse, when horrible things happen and we're powerless to stop them.  I'm sick of watching other people's tragedies unfold.  I'm sick of feeling like a damn voyeur.

What reason do I have to stay?  What good am I doing here anyway, fetching coffee and face books?

I used to make jokes about how lost Josh would be without me running his office, but the truth is that there are dozens of people who could do this job as well as I can.  What made it special once was the feeling that Josh needed me -- not just that he needed an assistant, but that he needed whatever it was we used to have.

The truth is that I've pushed him away these last few months, and he's managed fine without me.  He's even perfected the art of giving me orders without making eye contact.  He'll probably be relieved when I'm gone and our little melodrama is played out.  He's probably thrilled that I got a job offer and he'll be rid of me sooner than expected.

I'll call Casey in the morning, do some research of my own into the dot com thing.  But I already know what the sensible decision is.

It's time to grow up and start looking out for my own future.

I'm sure Janet Price would agree.

THE END

02.18.02