I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided it's time to move on with my life.

This is not an impulsive decision.  I do not make impulsive decisions.  I plan; I make lists; I think things out.  I know that's not the impression I give.  I know people look at me and think "Donna's such a flake; she's so flighty."  But I'm not.  I'm organized.  I really am.

Even the decision to go to New Hampshire after the Dr. Free Ride fiasco -- I gave that decision a lot of thought.  I stayed up all night debating the pros and cons before I left.  So, while I may seem spontaneous to the casual observer, I am actually a very analytical person.

This is the situation as I've analyzed it so far.  Somewhere between New Hampshire and Washington DC, I made an extremely stupid mistake:  I fell in love with my boss.

Luckily, this proved to be a temporary condition.  I'm completely over him now.

For awhile there, however...

I attribute this temporary insanity (this temporary, unrequited insanity, I am forced to admit) to nerves.  Stress.  Heightened emotions.  I mean, what the hell was I supposed to feel?  I spend twenty hours a day, seven days a week, with the man.  And the one time he goes anywhere without me, he gets himself shot.  How could I not, well, exaggerate my normal feelings of friendship into something else?  He was fighting for his life; I replaced my legitimate, platonic concern for him with some sort of delusion about romantic love.

Then he started recovering.  Three months of not being allowed into the office.  "House arrest," he called it.  He wanted me at his place all the time.  That's just Josh being bored; nothing personal.  An hour or two a day would have been sufficient; I still had an office to run, after all.  But Josh always had some excuse for wanting me to stick around.  Now I ask you:  If I hadn't had my whole "I am secretly in love with Joshua Lyman" game to keep me amused, how would I have kept my sanity, sitting in his apartment for hours on end, listening to him ramble on about unified field theory?

Then, just when things were getting back to normal, we had the whole PTSD incident.  He needed me.  That's always been my downfall where men are concerned.  Show me one who says he needs me, and I crumble.  At least "I'm having a nervous breakdown because I was almost killed by terrorists" is a better reason for needing me than "I can't pay my own way through medical school."  This alone shows how I've matured over the years.

At any rate, Josh needed me, which further convinced me that I was in love.

Somewhere along the line, however, I realized that Josh was not going to love me back.  Which is really for the best, all things considered.  Josh and me, that would never work.  It's just as well.

Because, as it turns out, I do not love him.

I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this.  I made a list of all the reasons I do not love Joshua Lyman.  It's a long and impressive list.  So I told myself everything was fine.  We were back to normal.

Then he took to standing with his back pressed against the wall.

It's easy to forget that I don't love him when he's standing against the wall.  He just stands there -- no jacket, shirt sleeves rolled up, eyes closed; and I start backsliding.  I start thinking of other reasons he could be pressed up against that wall.  I keep thinking that, if he wants to relieve his stress, I should take his tie off for him and then I should definitely remove his belt and -- Well, I'm over him, so let's just not go there.

But the point is that, having once fallen for the "I'm in love with Josh" fallacy, I realize that I will always be susceptible to the occasional relapse.

The occasional relapse is no fun.  No fun at all.

Unrequited love sucks, and I can't be bothered.

This is why I need to make plans.  This is why I need to move on.

I've decided to go back to college.  I'm not sure yet where.  Not Madison, I know that much.  I don't believe in moving backward.  I want to make a fresh start, after all.  And not DC.  Staying in DC makes the whole relapse thing more of an issue.  I need to put physical distance between myself and Josh Lyman.

I have plenty of time to decide on a school, however.  I'm going to thoroughly research that issue.  I've made a short list of about a dozen schools across the country.  I'm looking into financial aid; I'm going to have everything planned when I tell Josh I'm quitting.

On election night.  That's when I'm going to tell him.

Yes, I know we're only in our third year.  But Josh is a mess without me, and he doesn't respond well to change.  I have to let him get used to this idea gradually.  I have to ease him into it.  I'll do little things:  I'll say no when he wants me to work until 10 p.m.; I'll stop calling him on Saturday mornings to see if he wants me to come in.  He'll get used to having me around less; and when I'm gone, he'll be okay.

I can't leave until I know he's okay.

With the problems Josh has adjusting to change, I cannot in good faith expect him to accept my leaving before re-election.  Expecting Josh to get used to having a new assistant in the middle of all that -- I couldn't do that to him.  You see my point here, don't you?

So I have plenty of time to plan out the details.  And knowing that I'm leaving after re-election keeps me from having those relapses.  If I start having inappropriate thoughts about Josh, I just push them aside in favor of images about the great new life I'll have in two years.

My great new Josh-free life.

I can't wait.

I'm looking forward to it more with each passing day.

There's just one other plan I have to work on before I can leave with a clear conscience.  Just one little detail.

Josh is such a mess.  He's actually quite helpless in his own way.  He needs someone to run his life for him.  After all, he won't just luck into finding someone as perfect as Donnatella Moss on his own.  So it's up to me.  I have to find someone, whether she's his assistant or something else, who will take care of him when I'm gone.

I'm currently auditioning Joey Lucas for the job. 

*** 

I must say I enjoyed watching the State of the Union this year.  The first two years, Josh was part of the president's party; I was back at the West Wing, watching the speech on television with the rest of the support staff.  This year, however, I was squeezed onto this tiny stairwell next to Josh.  We were pressed together pretty closely, our legs touching throughout the speech.  If I were still in love with him, I would have considered this a major turn-on.  There is this energy that just rises from Josh's body when he's in the middle of some important political event.  If you're next to him when he's giving off all that energy, you can't help but get caught up in it yourself.

If you're in love with him...

Which I'm not.

At one point in the speech, President Bartlet spoke about guns.  I heard through the grapevine (in other words, Bonnie and Ginger told me) that there were quite a few last minute compromises where this speech was concerned.  But not on the gun issue.  For obvious reasons, we feel strongly about that subject in this administration.  During the gun control portion of the speech, Josh's eyes never left the president.  But he took my hand, and he held it.  Tightly.  If I weren't over him, I would have brought his hand up to my lips; I would have kissed his hand, if I were still in love with him.  I am over him, however, so I settled for just putting my other hand on top of his for an instant.  Just a friendly, platonic gesture, you understand.

At any rate, watching Josh watch the president was fun.  It was a reminder of why that drive to New Hampshire was worth it and why I cannot quit before re-election.  Plus it was Josh and me working together, which I happen to think we do quite well.

Then Joey Lucas arrived, and I was glad I'm over Josh.  If I weren't over Josh, I might have been upset.  As it is, she came in with that whole line about his cute butt, and I remembered why I have my reservations about her.  It's not that I disagree with the sentiment; if anything, I believe that "cute" is too mild an adjective to describe the object in question.  It's not a very appropriate thing to say in the workplace, however, is it?  Not that Josh seemed to mind.  They immediately went into their annoying flirting act, typically leaving me out of the conversation.

The more I observed them together, the more I came to believe it was time for me to reach a decision regarding the Joey Lucas matter.  As I mentioned, I have my reservations where she's concerned.  I can't get past the whole matter of her coming on to Josh last year when she was sleeping with Al Kiefer.  As far as I can tell, however, Josh does not hold this against her, so who am I to judge?  Josh's interest in her, as far as I can tell, does not seem to have waned.  And, to be fair, Joey Lucas does have several items in her favor.  I know because I made a list.

First (and most important), she does not let Josh intimidate her.  I've had to discount most potential candidates on this factor alone.  You cannot expect to deal with Josh successfully if you can't throw words right back at him.  Joey Lucas, it must be admitted, can bring the banter.  Second, Josh is predisposed toward liking her.  There is a definite attraction there.  I suppose that could be considered a good thing.  Third, she's intelligent, and she's into politics.  Look, let's not even consider someone who doesn't live for politics.  This is Josh we're talking about.  So, despite my misgivings regarding Joey Lucas' sexual ethics, I decided it was time to move things along.  To that effect, I have dropped several subtle hints to Josh tonight about how he should ask Joey out.  So far, he has not acted on my practical (and completely altruistic) suggestion.

It is, I believe, time to take matters into my own hands.  Something's going on back at the White House, Josh has been called to the Oval Office, and I'm going to have a little talk with Joey Lucas.

It's a dirty job, so (as usual) I'm the one who's got to do it. 

*** 

Joey and Kenny are munching on donuts and signing furiously to one another.  This always throws me off my game with them; how do you know what the hell they're talking about?  How, for that matter, do I know that Kenny's giving Joey an accurate account of what I'm saying?  Or vice versa?

If I weren't over Josh, I'd be worried that they are actually discussing my relationship with him.

"So, Joey," I begin, "the polling's going well, isn't it?  I mean, except for the lack of numbers and the loss of electricity and the fact that we have no data to speak of."

"Were you channeling Josh there?" Kenny asks in what I can only assume is a correct interpretation of Joey's words.

"Josh," I answer, "is a little -- he's been under -- these numbers are very important."

Joey smiles at me and signs some more.  "Don't worry," Kenny says for her.  "We'll have the numbers as soon as the power comes back on."

I nod.  "That's not actually what I wanted to talk to you about.  What I wanted to ask is whether--"  This is tougher than I thought it was going to be.  "I think Josh is curious about whether you're seeing anybody these days."

"Did he ask you to ask me that?"

"No," I admit, "but I know when he's curious about stuff, and I'd say there's a good chance he's curious about this."

"No, I'm not seeing anyone these days."

"Is she lying?" I ask Kenny.  "Because, you know, there was the whole Al Kiefer thing, and I'm not going to put up with a repeat of that."

To my chagrin, Kenny apparently signs every word of what I asked him back to Joey.

"I'm not sleeping with Al Kiefer or anyone else," Kenny replies.  And, I have to tell you, that is as disconcerting to hear coming out of his mouth this time as it was last spring.

"Well, good," I answer.  "Because Josh is -- he's had a bad year obviously, and he doesn't need that on top of everything else."

"So you think Josh is going to ask me out?"

God, I feel like I'm back in seventh grade.  "What I think," I reply, "is that you shouldn't wait for Josh to ask you out.  Josh is notoriously slow about these things.  I think that, if you're interested, you should ask him out."

"Donna, may I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure," I say, although obviously I'd prefer she didn't.

"What is going on between you and Josh?"

"Going on?  In what sense?"

"Every time I see the two of you together, I pick up this weird vibe."

"You do?"

Joey nods.  "Your body language is very revealing."

Note to self:  Watch body language around Joshua.

I shake my head.  "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"The two of you have this rhythm together.  It's hard to explain.  It's the sort of thing you usually only see in people who are romantically involved."

"I am not romantically involved with Josh."

"I didn't say you were.  I just said that the two of you--"

"I am not in love with Josh."

"Okay."

"The idea of Josh and me together is laughable," I say.  "If Josh and I were -- If I were in love with someone, I would most certainly not let him flirt with another woman the way Josh flirts with you."

"Okay."

"Which brings us back to the point.  You and Josh.  You should ask him out."

"This seems important to you."

"I'm just trying to be helpful."  Honestly, I'm doing the woman a favor here.  I'm pointing out that this intelligent, attractive, witty and occasionally sweet man likes her and would not reject her advances.  You'd think she'd be appreciative.

"I seem to have walked into the middle of something here that I'm not sure I understand," Joey says via Kenny.  "Under those circumstances--"

"You're not in the middle of anything," I say.  "I'm just pointing out that Josh is interested in you."  I shrug.  "If you don't want to ask him out--"

"I didn't say that."

Damn.

Oops.

No more twenty-hour workdays.  Classes on fascinating subjects.  Ivy-covered campus.  Bigger apartment.

Good.  Relapse over.

"There is just one thing I should point out," I say.  "Josh -- the shooting and all -- he's been through a lot this last year.  He's in a very vulnerable place right now."

She smiles.  "I've never thought of Josh as vulnerable."

Really?  Because I got that about him right away.  I had that figured out the first day.

"Well," I repeat, "he is at the moment.  So you shouldn't go out with him if you're not serious.  You shouldn't put him through that.  And you should remember that if you hurt him, I will kill you."  I pick up a donut and head back to the desk.  "But you really should ask him out."

Just then, the door opens and Josh walks in.  I wish the damn lights would come back on, so we could get the numbers and go home.  He looks too tired; he needs his rest.  Also, whatever happened back at the White House must be fairly important because he has those lines around his eyes that he gets whenever he's worried.

He should go press his back against the wall.  I could loosen his tie for him, and then I could move--

When I get back to college, people will not ridicule my propensity for remembering trivia.  It will, in fact, be an asset, being able to recall odd little facts that will help me on exams.

"Hasn't the electricity come back on yet?" he asks.

At that very moment, the lights come back on.  Josh stands there, the light pouring over him, looking so incredibly--

I can wear bluejeans every day in college.  I won't have to wear business clothes.  It won't matter if I get a run in a pair of pantyhose.  Hell, I can give up the concept of pantyhose entirely.

Josh moves out of the light and walks toward Joey.  Not toward me.

"Do we have the damn numbers yet?" he asks.

He doesn't even say hello to me.

It's a good thing I'm leaving.  Maybe if things work out with Joey, I can speed up my timetable.  I don't necessarily have to stick around during the campaign if he's got Joey.

I'm one step closer to my gloriously Josh-free life.  I can't wait.

Really.

I can't.

THE END

02.01.01