I really am.

I swear -- they should be locked in a closet for as long as it takes them to work this thing out.  In fact, there's a perfectly functional closet just down the hall from me.  I think it even has a lock.  If not, I could always push a chair under the door handle.  And then they'd be stuck in a tight, confined space together in the dark, with nothing to do but--

Okay, so maybe that's not the best idea.  With my luck, Danny would be wandering by, wonder about the chair, and pop open the door in time to see -- Well, let's just say it's a bad idea.

For lack of a viable alternative, my office will have to do.

It was with a strong -- almost overpowering, to be honest -- sense of dread that I walked into the office this morning.  I mean, who knew what destruction would be waiting for me?  Either the two self-sacrificing idiots were going to be unbearably awkward and angst-ridden, or I was going to have to figure out a way to explain to the press that the deputy chief of staff dating his assistant was not at all shady.  Nor immoral.  Certainly not unprofessional.

And I wonder why I have a headache!

Anyway, I admit that I paused just outside the Operations bullpen to take a deep breath.  Then, head held high, I swept into the office.

Which was when I saw Donna slumped at her desk.

I stood there for a moment, staring at her back.  Then I stalked into my office, dropped my bag, and called Josh's extension.

"Josh Lyman," Donna answered tiredly.

"Morning, Donna," I said.  "You have a second?  I thought so.  Bring Josh."

Donna tried, but really, there's no disagreeing with me when I use that tone.  Hell, even Toby's scared of that particular tone.

And so here I am, waiting for two of the smartest stupid people I know to drag their sorry asses in here so that I can aid and abet a political scandal.

Some days, I really hate my job.

To my surprise, they arrive together.  But they are carefully not looking at each other, and there's an unusual amount of space between them.

I swear I can feel the headache giggling in giddy anticipation.

"Morning," Josh offers.  He looks exhausted too, but not upset or broken-hearted.

I glance over at Donna.  She gives me a small, tired smile.  "Morning, CJ."

I gesture to the couch.  "Have a seat."

With a quick look at each other, they take opposite ends.  What the hell?

I stare at them for a long moment, rubbing my temples, but I'm at a loss.  Neither one of them looks miserable; they don't look particularly happy, but they don't look anywhere near they did on Sunday.  In fact, I would categorize it as... disappointed?  Frustrated, perhaps?

Not devastated.  Not elated.

Okay.  So clearly Donna didn't insist on leaving, but they're not together either?  What the hell is going on?  "What happened?"

Donna very carefully doesn't look at Josh.  "Nothing," she answers.  She has an unfamiliar expression on her face.

And I swear Josh just made a noise that sounded like... a groan?  I turn my gaze to him, but he merely shrugs.

"Nothing happened?" I repeat in disbelief.

Josh has the strangest look on his face, and he's fidgeting.  He's wiggling around on that couch like--

"Joshua!" I yell.  "Talk!"

"What?" he asks, trying for the wide-eyed innocent look.  Doesn't quite pull it off, though, what with the smirk and the dimples.

Donna glances at him and rolls her eyes.  "You're really going to have to work on that over the next couple months."

I narrow my eyes.  "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," Donna repeats.  "Really."

"You're lying," I note.  I am incredibly curious by this point.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with," Donna amends with a stealthy glance at Josh.

I pinch the bridge of my nose in a futile attempt to stave off the headache.  "Please tell me you're not sleeping together in the hopes you won't get caught," I implore.  "Just please tell me that much."

At this point, Josh is smirking.  "We're not sleeping together."

Now why do I find that hard to believe?

I narrow my eyes.  "Don't give me semantics, Joshua."

"I'm not--"

"Don't give me some stupid 'we're not sleeping together right now, so I can safely tell CJ we're not sleeping together, even though we stayed up all night having our way with each other' thing."

Donna ducks her head, hiding behind her hair.  Left to his own devices, Josh just stares at me, his face bright red.  "We--" he stops, shrugging.  "We're not sleeping together."

I glance over at Donna, afraid I have embarrassed her.  Then she looks up, and I can see she's trying her hardest not to laugh.

I think my jaw is dangling in an incredibly unflattering way.  "You did have your way with each other!" I guess.  "That's what this--"  I wave a hand at the space between them, "is all about!"

"CJ!" Josh protests, "I don't really think--"

"Believe me, Josh, that's never been more clear to me."

"CJ," Donna interjects, "Josh and I are not sleeping together.  We will not be sleeping together for the remainder of my tenure here."

I stare at her.  "Wait -- you're leaving?"  I look over at Josh, but he's still grinning smugly.  I do not understand the dynamics in the room and that always makes me cranky.  "You're okay with that?" I ask Josh, incredulous.

He gives me a lazy shrug, "Well, since she's not taking her sparkly space dust--"

"Josh!" Donna protests, blushing.  He gives her an appreciative look, and she flushes darker.

Well, this is certainly getting interesting.  I just keep looking at them expectantly.  "Explain," I command.

Josh moves closer to Donna, his hand snaking along the cushions towards her.  "You want details, CJ?"

Donna swats his hand.  "Quit it, Josh."

"You two are..." I shake my head, which is a grave mistake considering the headache fairies are careening around inside my skull.

"Celibate," Donna offers, crossing her legs away from Josh and leaning against the arm of the couch to increase the distance between them.

I blink.  That's all I can do.  I just blink at them.  Because, really, there are no words.

Josh glares at Donna.  "Donna!  Did you have to--"

"She already knows the rest, Josh," Donna points out.  "Besides which, she's the press secretary, so we should keep her, you know, informed."

"About our sex life?" Josh asks, his voice rising with irritation.

"Shut!  Up!" I yell.  "You are not to repeat that in this building."

Josh opens his mouth to reply.

"Ever!" I shout.  "Never ever say 'our sex life' to your assistant while you're in the White House.  Are you trying to make me crazy?  Do you want to see me wandering the streets talking to water fountains?"

Josh grins at me, those dimples out in full force.  "Water fountains?"

"Joshua," I warn.

Donna wisely steps in.  "Josh and I don't have a sex life, CJ.  Honestly."

I turn my disbelieving gaze her way.  "You didn't stay up until all hours having--"  I can't bear to say it.  I wave a hand at Josh.  "With him?"

"Well," Donna hedges.  "Technically--"

"Yes," Josh interrupts, smirking.  "Yes, we did.  Until all hours.  Many, many--"

"Joshua!" Donna yelps.  "You are going to be celibate a hell of a lot longer than two months if you don't shut up!"

"Come on, Donna," he argues.  "I can't enjoy the memory of last night?  I mean, what else is going to get me through two months of this insanity?"

I drop my head onto my desk.  I would kill for an Advil right about now.

"Celibacy is not going to kill you," Donna replies, and I can tell from her tone of voice that she's rolling her eyes.  "In fact, the ascetic life has been known to--"

"Donna, not another lecture me on the spiritual upside to this ridiculous--"

"It's not ridiculous.  You agreed with me last night--"

"That was before, you know, this morning.  At which point I realized--"

"For the love of God, I beg you two to stop!"  It's surprising how loud that was, especially since my head is still buried in my arms.  I cautiously lift it and look over at the couch.

Josh and Donna are staring at me, looking properly chastened.  Except for the fact that they've managed to migrate to the middle of the couch and are sitting practically on top of each other.

Just one Advil?  Please?

I make a conscious effort to stop grinding my teeth.  Which, by the way, is contributing to my burgeoning headache.  "Donna, explain the two month thing," I order softly.

Wide-eyed, she nods.  "I'm going to start at Georgetown this summer.  Well, assuming I get in."

"You'll get in," Josh assures her.  "They'd be crazy to turn you down; especially considering the letters of reference you'll have."  It's really quite adorable the way he looks at her sometimes.

Well, until he goes and does it in front of Katie and it's printed in the Boston Globe.  At which point we'll be back to 'Is Josh Lyman screwing his secretary?' in the press room, and I'll have to kill him.

I push that disturbing thought aside.  "I'll write you a reference," I offer.  "Two months?"

Donna stares at me for a moment.  "Thank you, CJ."

I nod, glancing at Josh, who is beaming at me.  "You're welcome.  Two months?"

Donna's hand lands on Josh's knee.  "Josh and I are experiencing a period of celibacy until I leave my job."

Josh rubs her back even while he argues with her.  "You make it sound voluntary, Donna.  I was drafted into celibacy."

Donna snorts and looks up at him.  "It's not like the Army, Josh.  And besides, there are always other alternatives."  She pulls her hand away and scoots sideways on the couch.

Josh moves right along with her.  It would be amusing if it weren't so damn scary.  Trust Josh Lyman, the original problem child, to fall madly in love with his assistant just before we gear up for re-election.

"Fine," he sighs, tugging her back towards him.  "I can do this."

"Yeah," I interject, "'cause you two are really selling the whole 'we're just friends' thing right now."

Donna gives Josh a small shove and they manage to separate a whole six inches.  "We can do this, CJ," she insists.  "We're just going to postpone this -- this thing until I leave."

"Thing?" I ask.  I can't help it.  I'm caught between amusement and utter horror.

"Dogstar," Josh answers with a positively sickening look of adoration at Donna.

I raise an eyebrow.  "Astronomy?"

"Yes," Donna beams at him.  "It's really quite sweet.  What he means--"

"Please," I interrupt.  "No more metaphors.  Just -- this is serious?"

Donna reaches across the scant distance between them and takes Josh's hand.  "Yes," she answers, a small, settled smile in place.  "It's serious."

"Okay," I nod.  "Well."

Josh watches me.  "We're going on like before -- we're friends, we work together, whatever -- until Donna leaves for school."

I cringe, waiting for it.  "And then?"

They exchange a look.  "Well," Donna says.  "Josh's place is closer to Georgetown than mine, so--"

"Okay," I interrupt.  "We are not going to have that conversation right now."

"CJ?" Josh asks.

"Yes?"

"Are you..." he shrugs, "okay with this?"

I rub my forehead tiredly.  "Guys, I'm happy for you.  I really am.  You forget that I saw both of you on Sunday."

They exchange another look, and I would swear their grip on each other tightens.

"Really," I say, "I wish you all the best with this -- thing.  I just worry."

Josh nods.  "I know.  But we're celibate--"

"Josh," I interrupt, "to keep this to yourselves, you'd have to promise not to even look at each other for the next two months."

"We're not that obvious," Donna protests.

I give her a look.  "You really are."

"Oh."

"Yeah."  I let that hang in the air for a moment.  "Anyway, just promise you'll keep me informed of any -- Just, if I need to know something, if there's even the smallest possibility I'll get the question--"

"You won't," Josh promises.

"Josh--"

"You won't," he repeats.  "We can do this for two months.  Hell, we fooled ourselves for three years; surely we can fool the rest of you for two months."

"Famous last words," I mutter.

Josh flashes his trademark smirk.  "What's two months?"

Donna and I trade amused looks.  "Keep telling yourself that, Josh," Donna says.

"Okay, you two, get out of here," I command, turning my attention to my top drawer.  I could swear I had some ibuprofen stashed somewhere.

"CJ," Donna pauses near the door.  "Thank you. If there's anything--"

I wave a dismissive hand.  "It's not a problem."

"We owe you," Josh insists.

I stare at them for a moment, a though flitting around in my head.  "Two things," I say.

They watch me expectantly.

"Number one," I close the drawer and lean back in my chair.  "I would cheat, maim, or kill for an Advil right now."

Donna brightens, "I have an industrial sized bottle at my desk."

"Thanks."  I grin.  Smirk, even.  "And secondly, you know that celibacy thing?"

Donna nods, and Josh gives me a wary look.

"Just keep one thing in mind," I pause here, to give my words the proper weight.  "I'm the enforcer."

THE END

03.08.01