She didn't want to see him, but she needed to see him.  Faced with contradictory impulses, she abdicated, sitting instead in a hard plastic chair, its edges cutting into her bruised flesh.

She must've hit the ground harder than she thought originally.  Her wrist ached, her knees throbbed, and her head felt like she'd been subjected to a ten-hour press conference.  And why the hell was Abbey walking towards her with that look--

"He's doing as well as can be expected," Abbey told her.  "Leo and Jed have seen him."

CJ nodded, her movements harsh and uncoordinated.  As much as she tried to force her muscles to relax, they remained tense and unbending.  "Is he...?" she couldn't finish it.

Abbey took the seat beside her, clasping her hand.  "He's still in critical condition, but he's strong."

Tears stung CJ's eyes . "He's got a good heart."  She blinked rapidly.

"Come with me," Abbey ordered, rising.

CJ's hands scrabbled at the chair, clamping down as if Abbey were pulling her bodily from the room.  "Where?"

"You should see him."

"No," she answered almost involuntarily.  What if he still looked... broken?

"CJ--"

"No, he needs -- Where's Donna?"

"Sedated.  She saw him a little earlier."

"What about Sam?"

"CJ."  A raised eyebrow.

"Toby?"

"They're on their way.  You should see him."

It nearly killed her to say it aloud.  "I can't."

"CJ--"

"No, Abbey, he was--"  She vaulted out of her seat, trying to outstrip the images.  "They cut him, Abbey."

Abbey nodded.  "Yes, CJ.  He needed surgery--"

"No!  In there--"  CJ jabbed her finger towards the elevators.  "In the emergency room, they cut him!"

Abbey's face softened in understanding.  "The chest tube."

CJ paced, moving with sharp, sudden bursts of energy.  "He couldn't breathe and they said they would help him and then--"  She blinked rapidly, stumbling a bit.  "And then there was all of this blood pouring--"

"CJ!"  Abbey jumped up and reached for her tall, swaying frame.

The room lurched lazily around CJ as Abbey settled her into a seat, guiding her head down.  Her stomach considered revolt, but she swallowed back the bitter taste.

Abbey's warm hand moved in slow circles on her back, and the world slid back into focus.

"Can I explain it?" Abbey asked softly.  "It might help if you understood--"'

"It won't make me forget," CJ mumbled, rubbing her face with her hands.  She was cold and sweaty and she wanted to lay down and hide under a nice, big, warm blanket for about fourteen months.  "Nothing will."

"Still, it might help."

"Fine," CJ said, pushing cautiously upright.

Abbey leaned her elbow on the back of CJ's chair, resting one hand in between her shoulder blades to steady her.  "When Josh's artery was hit, it started to leak blood into his chest.  There's only so much room in there, and as more and more blood filled his chest cavity, his lungs had less and less room to expand."

CJ ignored the tears streaking down her cheeks.  "Oh, Abbey."

"The doctors in the emergency room put in what's called a chest tube.  It allowed all of that blood that collapsed his lung to drain.  It did help him to breathe, CJ."

CJ nodded.  "Could he -- Did it hurt him?"

"No, I don't think he was really conscious then, CJ."

"He was.  In the ambulance, he--"  Her hand fluttered unnoticed to her chest--  "He was struggling so hard to breathe, and his face--"

"I know."

"The look on his face..."  CJ shrugged helplessly.

"I know."

The silence held for a long moment as CJ struggled to bring herself back under control.

"What if -- What if I go in there and he gives me that same look?" CJ finally managed, her voice low and tremulous.

"Oh, CJ.  Honey, he's in there and he's alone and he's drugged and he doesn't remember what happened.  I can't promise you that he won't look scary--"

"I'm not scared--"  CJ stopped, gave a bitter smile, and said, "That's a lie.  But it's not that I don't want to see him if he's scared.  I just...  I don't know how to reassure him."

Abbey opened her mouth to reply, but CJ kept right on talking.

"I mean, I'm terrified.  We were shot at last night.  How am I ever going to walk outside without looking for snipers?  Hell, how am I ever going to walk outside period?  And if I'm a complete and total mess -- which I obviously am -- how the hell can I tell Josh everything's going to be okay?  It's not."

"He doesn't need you to tell him that."

"Abbey--"

"He doesn't, CJ.  He needs to know he's going to be all right.  He needs to know he's safe and getting better.  He's hurting.  He needs to know he's not the only one affected.  He needs someone who was there."

"Sam--"

"Did you see the morning shows?"

CJ blinked.  "No."

"He was good," Abbey said with an affectionate smile.  "He was great, actually.  Human and compassionate and strong.  But he's on the edge, and as soon as he walks in that door, I've got a syringe with his name on it."  Abbey leaned closer.  "Josh needs you right now, CJ.  I know you feel guilty that he was hurt and you weren't.  You shouldn't, but I know you do.  If you want to do something for him, go sit with him.  Talk to him.  Be there when he wakes up."

CJ stared at her trembling hands for a long time, considering Abbey's words.  She still wasn't sure she was strong enough.  But in the end, she nodded.  "Okay."

***

He was so pale, she thought.  She moved a step closer to the bed, slowly, softly.  His face was the color of fresh newsprint, almost grey, like he'd left all the blood in his body on those damn concrete steps.

Sitting, she leaned closer, studying the way his lashes lay on his cheeks, the tear tracks on his face, the dampness of his hair.  She blinked hard against the sudden sting of tears, and when she could see again, his eyes were open, dark and wide and staring up at her.

"Josh?" she whispered.

"CJ."  He slurred her name, the "j" barely audible.

"Yeah," she nodded stupidly, and took his hand, the one without the IV in it.  She thought she still saw some dried blood under his fingernails.  "Josh, you--"  What the hell was she supposed to say to him?  Thanks for not dying?

His eyes drifted shut, but his lips curved slightly.  "S'okay."

Uncertain, she shrugged a little.  "Okay."

"Drugs."

"Yes, Josh."  She was grinning, all of a sudden.  "You're on the good stuff."

"Tired."  His voice was barely audible, even in the silence of the room.  She leaned closer.

"You need rest."

He blinked at her.  "Hurts."

She couldn't quite bite back the little noise she made, a noise of anguish, of remembering.  The feel of his blood, thick and hot on her hands.  The harsh, wet sound of his breathing.  The look on his face as he arched against the paramedics hands.  It was too fresh, too vivid.

"CJ?"

Her eyes opened, catching his gaze.  "You're not supposed to be talking, Josh."  Damn it, she was crying again.

He ignored her, his fingers shifting in her grip, tightening slightly.  "S'okay."

She couldn't say it, couldn't agree this time.  She shook her head almost involuntarily.  "You're hurt.  That's not okay."

"S'not that bad."

She ducked her head to hide her rueful grin.  "Liar," she said softly.

"Good drugs," he answered, his fingers squeezing against her palm.  "Don't worry."

"I don't think that'll happen, mi amor.  You gave us quite a scare."

"Didn't mean to."

She rubbed his hand, trying to warm it up.  Warm him up.  "I know, Josh.  Bad luck."

"Always."

"Please."  She laughed softly.  "You're the Deputy Chief of Staff, Josh."

"Yeah."  He grimaced a little, his head rolling a bit to the side.  "Tired."  His weak grip on her hand slackened.

"Sleep, then," she tells him, her voice lowering automatically.  "I've got plenty of time to make fun of you at a later date."

His eyes were closed already, but there was the barest hint of a smile on his lips.  He made a little noise, like he was too tired to turn the sound into words.

She pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hand.  "I know, Josh.  Sleep."

His breathing slowed, like it had in the emergency room.  But this time, she wasn't terrified.  This time, she wasn't covered in blood.  This time, she wasn't standing by helpless and frozen while he struggled to breathe.  This time, she was keeping watch while he slept.

THE END

01.16.02