Josh stopped mid-step, one foot on the curb, one still on the street, and stared skeptically up at the sign.  "Are you taking me to a porn store?" he demanded rather loudly.

Donna whirled around.  "Joshua!"

"What?" he asked, defensive.  Pointing up at the glowing purple letters, he said, "Look!  'Cause I was under the impression that we were going to just, you know, a vanilla bookstore."

Donna crossed her arms.  "A vanilla bookstore?"

Josh shrugged.  "One with golf books and stuff."

"Are you in need of some golf books?"

"No, but that doesn't mean I want to go into a porn store with my wife!"  Josh realized his voice had climbed to an embarrassingly high note.  He cleared his throat.

"I'm finding your obsession with the imagined flavor of this bookstore disturbing, Josh."

"It's not an obsession," he sputtered.  "And -- Pleasurable Pages?  Does that not sound like a porn store to you?"

Donna shook her head.  "No.  But then I'm not a pervert."  With that, she turned and breezed through the doors, tossing over her shoulder, "When you're done being an idiot, I'll be in the lesbian erotica section."

Josh gaped at the space she'd been moments before.  The mental images were just so disturbing.

Still a little wary, Josh pushed his way into the store.  He glanced around almost gingerly until he saw Donna's familiar figure.  Josh started towards her, only to halt abruptly when she turned to him, beaming, and held up that book.

"I'm not driving a minivan," Josh blurted, wide eyes locked onto the soft colors of the book's cover.

Donna sighed and rolled her eyes.  "It's a book, Josh," she pointed out.  Again.

"It's not a book," he argued.  "It's the beginning of the end."

Ignoring his melodramatic protests entirely, Donna flipped open the book and began leafing through the pages.

Josh stepped closer.  "I'm just saying.  I'm putting my foot down here and now--"

"Right here in this bookstore?" Donna smirked.  "How daring of you, Josh."

"Symbolically.  I'm symbolically putting my foot down, Donna.  I am not driving a minivan."

"And I say again -- no one's asking you to."

"Donna, you're buying that book."

She didn't even glance up from the pages.  "It astounds me some days that you're actually forty-two."

Josh crossed his arms, deciding to go for The Master Politician Standing Firm; Donna usually liked that one.  "My spry youth aside -- you really shouldn't snort like that, Donna, it's unattractive -- you're buying that book.  That hideous, pastel, girlie book."

"What to Expect When You're Expecting is hardly a girlie book, Josh.  It gives all kinds of details that a pregnant woman needs to know."

"Which begs the question -- why am I here?"

Donna's head snapped up and she turned keen eyes his way.  "Because as my loving husband, you want to share in this experience with me?" she prompted.

Josh grinned at her.  "I'm supposed to agree right now, aren't I?"

"If you'd like sex in the near future, yes."

"Donna!"  He furtively looked around, blushing a little as the slightly bent old man one bookshelf over snickered into his book.

Donna raised one eyebrow.  "What, pregnant women can't get laid?"

"Donna!  There are people around!"

She looked unimpressed.  "How unusual for a bookstore.  Besides which, I'm thinking that me holding the book on pregnancy pretty much blows our 'we've never had sex' cover."

"Would you please keep your voice down?" Josh hissed.

Laughing, Donna turned back to her book and muttered, "Wuss."

"I am not a wuss!"

"You really are.  Also squeamish."

"You know, there are about seven reasons why that word is just not applicable to me."

Donna tossed him a challenging look, then began reading aloud from the book.  "Possible signs of pregnancy include 'frequent urination; tingling, tender, swollen breasts; changes in color of vaginal and cervical tissue; darkening of--'"

"Okay," Josh interrupted.  "I'm just gonna sit down for a minute."  He leaned heavily against the wall, searching for a chair.  He couldn't really see much, though, with all the dancing spots in his vision, so he decided to lean over a little bit instead.

Donna was beside him, suddenly, rubbing his back.  "Told you."

"I am not squeamish," Josh protested, taking in deep gulps of air.

"You're going to faint in the delivery room," Donna decided.  She didn't sound overly concerned.  In fact, Josh thought he detected a distinct tone of amusement in her voice.

Still slightly unsteady, he straightened and glared down at her.  "I'm going to kick ass in the delivery room."

Donna merely shrugged and turned her attention back to the book.

"Can we go?" Josh asked, taking the stupid girly book from her hands.  "It's been a long week and--"

"Oh, look!" Donna squealed, drifting towards another rack of books.

"Donna," Josh whined.

She picked up a large, thick, bright blue paperback and turned to him, grinning.  "The Hidden Truth of Your Name!"

Josh groaned and waggled the girly book at her.  "If I promise to read this cover to cover--"

"Oh, you're no fun, Josh."  Donna took a few steps and settled, grimacing slightly, into a cushy chair.

"Are you okay?"  Josh moved to her side, one hand caressing her shoulder.

She nodded up at him.  "Now I am.  Though this chair is so comfortable I may never leave."

"Great," Josh muttered, leaning back against the bookcase.

"Oh, good," Donna commented.  "Molly's here."

Josh stared down at her in alarm.  "What?"

Donna laughed and held the large paperback up.  "Here, Josh.  In the book."

"Ah," he said wisely.  "Okay, then.  Read it and let's go."

"Josh!"

"Donna, I'm tired!"

She glowered in his general direction.  "Right.  And I'm the very picture of a well-rested pregnant woman what with taking 12 credit hours at Georgetown on top of running your office."

Josh considered running for the door.  Instead, he capitulated.  "Fine.  Read your damn book."

"Spoilsport," Donna muttered, skimming the text.

"It's stupid, Donna.  It's just a bunch of ridiculous--"

"'Molly,'" Donna read, "'is a fiercely independent woman--'"

"She's not even born yet," Josh pointed out.  "So I'm thinking that doesn't really apply just now."

"Are you going to shut up?" Donna demanded.

With a sigh, Josh nodded his head and settled in for the long haul.  Arguing with pregnant, hormonal Donna was ten times more perilous than arguing with regular Donna.  And since the two looked remarkably similar, he'd learned that discretion was the better part of valor.

"'Molly,'" Donna continued, "'loves to achieve--'"

"Well, of course she does," Josh commented.  "She's a Lyman."

"Moss-Lyman," Donna corrected.

"Well, yeah, but I think she'll get her achievement gene--" Josh stopped short.  "You know what?  I'm just going to stop talking."

"Good plan," Donna snapped with a caustic glare.  After a moment, she turned back to the book.  "'Molly loves to walk -- to go on not just rambles, but full-blown hikes--'"

"That's obviously from your side, Farm Girl."

"I grew up in a condo, Josh," Donna argued.  "And furthermore, just because you're afraid of the outdoors--"

"I am not afraid of anything, Donna!" he protested.  "The outdoors and I have a... mutual dislike."

Donna smirked at him.  "I thought you were an outdoorsman?"

"I..." Josh frowned.  "I could be if I wanted to, but I don't."

Donna had to get her giggles under control before she could continue reading. "'...her innate practicality means that she does not get caught up in any unreal daydreams--'"

"Clearly," Josh started, "that's--"

"Would you stop interrupting?" Donna demanded, staring at him expectantly until he shrugged.  "Thank you.  'Molly is confident and innovative' -- Gee, where do you think she'll get her ego from, Josh?"

"Hey!" Josh protested.

Donna ignored him.  "'Patience is one of the most important characteristics that Molly needs to incorporate into her life.'"  Donna stopped short and glared up at him.  "Oh, fine.  Give Molly your terminal impatience, why don't you?"

"Donna," Josh sputtered, eyes wide.  "It's a book!  It's a stupid book, for that matter, with absolutely no bearing on reality!"

Donna arched a brow and flipped through the pages quickly.  "We'll just see about that."

Josh gave her an amused look.  "Is that supposed to be some sort of challenge?"

"'Joshua,'" she read, not deigning to reply directly.  "'Compression of name contains letters meaning--'"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Josh demanded.  "Compression of name?"

"It's the Kabbalistic synopsis," Donna sniffed.

Josh crossed his arms and gave her a superior look.  "Oh.  Right.  Okay, then, by all means, keep reading."

"'Compression of name,'" she repeated, "'contains letters meaning tooth and fishhook, clear indications of his dogged persistence.'"  Donna started to smirk as she kept reading, "'Without a doubt, if Joshua sets his heart on a partner, or a house or even a job, he will keep going until he gets it.'"

"Are you saying I'm a stalker waiting to happen?"

"Shut up, Fishhook," she said with a saucy grin.  "'Interestingly, the value of his name reduces to thirteen, the number of--'"  Donna stopped short, her smile fading.

"Donna?"

She shook her head, her mouth clamped tightly shut.

Josh kneeled down next to her.  "Donna?"

"It's nothing," she managed.  But when she looked over at him, her eyes were flooded with tears.

He moved her hands gently out of the way and read, "'Thirteen, the number of the Death card.'"  Josh sighed and squeezed her hands.  "Donna, that doesn't mean anything."

"I know."

She didn't sound convinced.  Josh read on a little.  "Look, Donna.  Right here it says 'symbolic of change.'"  He released her hand and rubbed her belly gently.  "Change."

Donna's hand covered his.  "Yeah."

Josh scanned the page in search of something to cheer her up.  "Hey, right here.  This is me.  'Joshua has a very intense personal drive... Ideas cannot be given to him--'"

"I'll say," Donna interrupted.

Josh smiled at her, even as he protested, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never let me make a substantive contribution--"

"That is so not true!  I gave you the stamp thing!"

"Which resulted in a whole lot of sex for you, so I hardly think you were being selfless there, Joshua."

Josh considered that for a moment.  "Fair point," he acknowledged.

Donna snickered a little and read, "'He is also a very romantic man.'"

"I am not!" he protested.

"Josh, that's not a wholly undesirable trait."

He considered that for a moment.  "Oh.  Okay, then."  Donna started flipping pages again.  "Hey!" he protested.  "I wasn't done reading that."

"Tough.  We're going to do me now."

Josh leaned closer to her and waggled his eyebrows.  "Shouldn't we go home for that?"

"You are impossible, Joshua."  She sounded more amused than perturbed, though, Josh noted.

Finding the right page, Donna grinned and began to read again, "'Donna is not a woman to be trifled with.  She knows her own mind, is not afraid to speak it--'"

"You know," Josh commented, "there's actually a word for that."

Donna arched an eyebrow in his direction.  "Is there?"

"Um..."  He peered over her arm at the page and then said, "Refreshingly forthright."

"Cheater," Donna said.  "Besides, that's two words."

"Whatever."  Josh pulled the book closer, turning it so he could read more easily.  "'She will treat her bosses in the same way that she treats her family.'  Yeah, no kidding."

"Josh, you are my family, you dolt, so that's a little redundant."

He rubbed her forearm.  "Yeah, but it's not like you treated me any differently when you were just working for me."

"Well, yeah," Donna grinned, "because it says right here 'employers are inclined to overlook the odd outburst since she is a real asset to any company.'"

Josh rolled his eyes and leapt ahead, stifling a chuckle.  "This is quite perfect:  'Donna also likes to talk a great deal about a great many subjects--'"  He stopped short, wincing.

Donna read the rest of the sentence, "'...and may prefer breadth to depth.'  Are you saying that I'm shallow?" she demanded.

"No," Josh answered immediately.  "No, no, no.  Just the talks-a-lot part applies to you, really."

"So I talk too much?"

"No, you talk just the right amount."  He gave her a sickeningly sweet smile.

"You're an idiot," Donna decided, pulling the book away from him.

"Hey!"

Donna ignored him.  "'As Donna rapidly moves through life, she is constantly observing people.  Her inner nature is seeking and grasping the deeper significance of external events.  This is why Donna will often amaze her friends with the profundity of her insights.'"  She slammed the book closed and gave him a superior look.  "So there."

Josh laughed.  "Well, who am I to argue with the expertise of--"  He lifted the book up.  "The Nomenology Project?  What the hell is the Nomenology Project?"

Donna gave a careless shrug.  "Hand me that book, would you?"

Josh glanced at the five shelves beside him and sighed.  "Could you be more specific?  Wait, what am I saying -- Can we go now?"

"No," Donna said.  "I just want to check two things.  That one," she clarified, pointing at a large hardcover.  "The Secret Language of Birthdays."

"Donna," Josh groaned.  "You can't be serious."

"What, you didn't find the Name thing interesting?"

"No," Josh answered, even as he handed over the requested book.  Donna accepted it with a small smile.  Josh scowled a little at The Hidden Truth of Your Name, which he hadn't yet put back, for reasons he didn't want to examine too closely.

Because, really, if he was going to have to stand there and wait on Donna, he might as well disprove her little theory about the Names book, right?

So convinced, Josh leaned back against the bookshelf, turned to the 'S' section and almost immediately began to snicker.

Donna looked up.  "What?"

"'Samuel,'" Josh read, "'is a very earnest man--'"

"Josh, be nice," Donna said.  "Earnestness is a good trait.  There's an entire play about it."

"Yeah, yeah."  He waved off her protests.  "...a very earnest man with deeply held principles and beliefs.'"  Josh frowned a little as he kept reading.  "'It is likely that one of his main concerns will be the environment, and he may even make a career out of his willingness to take action against what he perceives to be wrong and unjust in the world.'"

Donna's eyes widened.  "Okay, that book is officially freaking me out."

"Hey, this was your idea," Josh pointed out.  "'Sam is a pussycat with his friends and family -- though he is an absolute tiger when it comes to championing his particular causes.'"  He finished reading and gave Donna a small smile.

Donna shook her head a little in disbelief.  "Do CJ.  And Toby.  Definitely do Toby."

"One second," Josh demanded, looking for CJ.  "This one sucks," he said, disappointed.  "'Any lover of Claudia will need to be aware that she is a vulnerable person emotionally, although she keeps this well disguised.'"

Donna favored him with her "you're an idiot" look.  "Keep reading."

"'A close analysis of her name yields a series of contradictory impulses, which are essentially a conflict between her strong professional ambition and her desire for a warm and cozy home environment,'" Josh looked up.  "Okay, well that kind of sounds like her."

"Kind of?" Donna repeated in disbelief.  "That is so CJ."

Josh kept reading, then began to laugh in delight.  "Oh, I have got to write this down and put it on her door or something."

"Josh," Donna warned.

"What?  It's funny.  'Claudia is usually blessed with good looks and is often quite happy to use them to her advantage,'" he read.  "Can you picture the look on Ms. Feminista's face when I tell her that?"

"No, but I can picture the look on your face after she kicks your ass."

Josh considered that possibility. " Yeah, okay.  Good point.  Toby it is."

Donna waited rather impatiently, tapping one finger against the book on her lap.  "Well?"

"I can't find it."

"Toby, Josh.  How hard it is to find Toby?"

Josh frowned at the book.  "It's not in here."

"Give me that--"

"Right, 'cause the person who files florists under 'A' is really who I'd trust with an alphabetical issue."

Donna smirked at him.  "An alphabetical issue, Josh?  And I file florists under 'A' for apology, because you never send flowers for any reason but an apology!"

"That's not true!  I send you flowers on our anniversaries."

"Another word that starts with 'A,'" she pointed out.  "Give me the book."

"Donna, Toby's not listed."

"Well, that sucks," she decided.  "I want to read about the bear with the heart of gold, the gruffness as a mask for idealism."

Josh stared at her.  "You know another Toby?"

"Oh, please, Josh," Donna said.  "You know Toby's a frustrated idealist."

"Sure," he answered.  "Whatever."  He tossed the book back onto the shelf.  "Maybe he just didn't want his name associated with such poor writing."

"It's not that bad."

"Donna, it used the phrase 'pussycat' to describe Sam!  That is wrong on so many levels."

"It wasn't about your Sam, Josh."

"My Sam?  You mean Ainsley's Sam."  Josh frowned.  "Okay, how about we just call him Sam?"

"Agreed," Donna said.  She turned her attention back to the book in her lap.  "August 8th--"

"Donna," Josh whined.  "Do we really have to--"

"Yes," she answered, not even looking up, "'the Day of the Roleplayer.'"

"Roleplayer?" Josh scoffed.  "I am not a roleplayer."

"You really are," Donna argued.  She gave the book a skeptical look.  "And supposedly you're versatile, multitalented, and responsible."

Josh smirked.  "Absolutely.  I am absolutely multitalented.  What else does it say?"

Donna looked entirely too amused as she continued, "That you're egoistic, overly-drive and unaware."  She grinned up at him.

"Egoistic?" Josh sputtered.  "Unaware?  I defy you to name one instance in which I was unaware.  I'm an incredibly perceptive--"

"Oh, Josh, stick a sock in it," Donna interrupted.  She frowned a little as she read.

"What?" Josh demanded, craning his neck to see the page.  "What does it say?  Let me see--"

"Let go, Josh!"  Donna pressed the book to her chest and glared at him.  "Are you going to let me read this or not?"

He pouted for a moment.  "Fine.  Just hurry up."

"Yeah, I'll get right on that."  Donna smoothed the pages a little, taking her sweet time. " Something about the sun, according to this, 'gives an intense quality to August 8 people, but not necessarily one that is backed up by deep self-confidence--'"

"Please," Josh muttered.

"Your tarot card is--" Donna stopped and looked up at him with a watery smile.  "Strength."

Josh thought he might actually be blushing as he shifted his weight a little, scratched his arm, and shrugged.

"The positives," she continued after clearing her throat, "are charisma and a determination to succeed."

"Well," Josh said, "I am White House Deputy Chief of Staff.  Plus I've been told that women especially find me quite charming."

Donna snorted.  "'Stable patterns of exercise, sleep, and sexual activity are deeply important in keeping August 8 people on an even keel.'"

Josh brightened.  "See?  It's deeply important, Donna.  Let's go."

"Josh," Donna admonished.  She read silently for a moment, then said, "Aha!  'After weighing all reasonable points of view, August 8 people generally make independent and rather fixed decisions.'  Tell me about it.  No matter how many index cards--"

"Wait, yours is the reasonable point of view in this scenario?"

"Obviously," Donna sniffed.  "Even though you usually choose to ignore--"

"I do not ignore so much as I... disregard."  Josh frowned, because that didn't sound quite right once he said it aloud.  "Wait--"

"Well, thank you, Josh," Donna said sarcastically.  "It's so nice to know that you disregard me."

"I don't," he protested.  "I meant that I don't ever ignore what you have to say."

Donna stared at him for a moment, then nodded.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Yeah."  She tapped the page.  "You know, I never put much stock in all of this astrology business before, but this is pretty accurate."

"I don't know if I'd go all that far--"

"'Their egos must be kept under control,'" Donna read with a smirk.

"Hey!" Josh protested.  "My ego--"

"Is a thing of amazing proportions."

Josh held her gaze with a cocky grin, then waggled his eyebrows for good measure.

"Josh," Donna noted, "you are an idiot."

"That's why you love me."

"Sure it is," she answered absently, flipping pages.  She grinned down at the book.  "October 2, the Day of Verbal Acuity."

"I'm pretty sure they've got you and me mixed up there, Donna."

Donna ignored him.  "'Those born on October 2 don't mince words.  They are usually very candid about their opinions and rarely leave much to doubt when it comes to expressing where they stand on a given subject--'"

"I can attest to that," Josh remarked.  "The incessant lectures and the way you ramble sometimes about seven tangential things--"

Donna talked over him.  "'One is generally impressed by... their skill in framing concise, pointed, and witty remarks.'  Why are you snickering, Joshua?"

"I think of the two of us, it's clear who's wittier."

"Yes," she sniffed.  "Yes it is."

Josh frowned.  "I meant me."

She ignored him.  "'Often, October 2 people are not fully aware of how devastating their comments can be to sensitive and thin-skinned people--'"

"See?"

"Josh, you are not sensitive."

"I am too!"

"You called CJ a head on stilts once," Donna pointed out.

"Well, the woman is ridiculously tall and skinny."

"Thin, Josh.  We prefer thin," Donna said.  Josh's gaze dropped to her stomach, and her voice grew sharp, "If you say one word about my size--"

"I won't."

"Good boy."

He tried, he really did, but he ended up saying, "Except that--"

"Joshua," she warned.

"You look beautiful," he said quietly.

She stared at him, eyes wide.

"You do."  He shrugged and reached for the book.  "Give me that."

"Sure," Donna said softly.  He could tell from her tone that she was smiling at him.

"'Often,'" Josh read, "'October 2 people can be found with a hint of a smile on their lips and a twinkle in their eye.'"  He glanced at her with a grin.  "And here I thought it was a smirk and a little bit of craziness in your eyes."

"You are such an ass."

"See, that was neither pointed nor witty."

"It was concise."

"Point granted.  Hey, this is interesting. 'October 2 people often make good coworkers and partners rather than leaders.'"

Donna gave him a somewhat poisonous look.  "Interesting?"

"Yeah, because..."  He swallowed nervously.  "Because you're such a great assistant."  She was still glaring, so he rushed ahead, "Hey, your strengths are that you're witty, charming and attractive."

She nodded slowly.  "Weaknesses?"

"Well, it says you're cutting, but I don't think that's true."

"Thank you."

He grinned.  "Because, really, to be cutting you probably need to be witty first--"

"Joshua."

"Also?  This book seems to think that you're..." Josh lowered his voice a little, "repressed."

"Repressed?" Donna all but shouted.  "I am not repressed!  Last night, with the--"

"Donna!"

"Well, would a repressed woman have done that?"

"Donna, would you please lower your--"

"I am not repressed!" she insisted.

"Yeah, but those nice people looking at astrology books don't need to be convinced of your sexually adventurous side!"  Josh pointed out in a fierce whisper.

Donna pouted at him for a moment, then turned her attention back to the book with a muttered, "Fine."

Josh gave her a suspicious look.  "What are you doing now?"

"I'm looking up Molly's due date," she answered, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Josh groaned a little.  "Don't bother."

"Josh!  You don't want to know what our daughter--"

"You forget that she's also your daughter; you can't possibly expect her to arrive on time!"

"Oh, right, Mr. Late All the Time."

He couldn't help but smirk.  "Yeah, so that part where it said that you're witty was just pretty much disproved."

"I'm just saying, Ego-Boy," Donna retorted, "that of the two of us, you are the one prone to being terminally late.  In fact, if it weren't for me--"

Josh snorted rather unattractively.  "Oh, like you're on time ever."

"I'm always on time, mostly because I'm capable of setting an alarm clock."

"That was one time, Donna!" he protested.

"Whatever."  Donna went back to reading.

Josh stifled a childish whine and moved to stand directly in front of her.  "Okay," he said, leaning down until their faces were level.  "So here's an idea.  We buy your stupid girly book and this ridiculous birthday book, and you can read all about Molly's due date at home."  He lowered his tone.  "In bed.  After we disprove that repressed thing."

"I am not repressed, Joshua," Donna insisted.

"I'm fully aware of that, but I wouldn't mind being reminded."

"You are impossible," she said, but she was fighting a smile.

Josh straightened, taking her hand.  "I'm charming."

Donna grinned up at him.  "Well, you say potato--"

Rolling his eyes, Josh tugged at her hand.  "Are you coming, or what?"

"Not yet."

"Donna!" He squeezed her hand.

She squeezed back and used his support to lever herself upright.  "Oh, settle down," she told him, dropping the large birthday book into his arms and heading for the checkout.

"Fine," Josh said, dutifully following her.  "But I'm not buying a minivan."

THE END

12.31.01